


My Immortal Cowboy (with no name)

by sybilius



Category: Il buono il brutto il cattivo | The Good The Bad and The Ugly (1966)
Genre: Black Comedy, M/M, Multi, Parody Fic, Racism, References to My Immortal, YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS, insofar as the original film has uhh some racist elements to it, references to other fics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:54:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 5,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27946370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sybilius/pseuds/sybilius
Summary: Hi my name is Tuco Ebenedicto Pacifico Juan Demaria Ravemirez and I have short ebony black hair (that’s how I got my saint’s name, very holy) with an amazing mustache that makes me look extremely manly and fiery brown eyes like coals in a...fire and a lot of people tell me I look like Eli Wallach (AN: if u don’t know who he is get da hell out of here!).*Happy 100 works, GBU tag. Ya'll deserve this <3
Relationships: "Blondie" | The Man with No Name/Tuco Ramirez, Angel Eyes/"Blondie" | The Man with No Name, Angel Eyes/"Blondie" | The Man with No Name/Tuco Ramirez, Angel Eyes/Tuco Ramirez
Comments: 20
Kudos: 8





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [My Immortal, Chapter 1](https://myimmortal.fandom.com/wiki/My_Immortal/Chapters_1-11)

_ AN: Special thankee (get it, coz Im a cowboy) 2 my ex-bf (ya in that way) angel, murdersnake666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Sergio ur da luv of my lawlezz life u rok 2!  _ MORRICONE ROX!

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Hi my name is Tuco Ebenedicto Pacifico Juan Demaria Ravemirez and I have short ebony black hair (that’s how I got my saint’s name, very holy) with an amazing mustache that makes me look extremely manly and fiery brown eyes like coals in a...fire and a lot of people tell me I look like Eli Wallach  _ (AN: if u don’t know who he is get da hell out of here!) _ . [[I’m not related to Tomas Milan but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie. I’m a hustler (ew not in that way) but my teeth are straight and white (unlike me). I have beautiful brown skin, that definitely is the result of a proper casting choice. I’m also an outlaw (promise!), and I go for about $5000 bounty because I’m in the seventh year of being an outlaw (I’m thirty seven). I’m a cowboy (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear whatever I can get my hands on. I love guns from gun shops and I steal all my guns from there. For example today I was carrying a Italian Bodeo M1889, absolutely a gun made in the civil war era of America, the country I was walking around in. My mustache was very long and elegant. I was walking outside a dusty town, dunno the name of it. It was really hot and sweaty and there was lots of sun, which I was very happy about on account of my HAT. A lot of lawmen stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

“Hey Ebonedicto!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Blondie!” 

“I thought I told you never to call me that, you pig!” I yelled.

“Oh right, I don’t know what came over me.” he scuffed his perfect leather boots. 

“What’s up Blondie?” I asked.

“Nothing.” he said shyly.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

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_ AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me thankee! _


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [My Immortal, Chapter 2](https://myimmortal.fandom.com/wiki/My_Immortal/Chapters_1-11)

_ AN: Thankee 2 murdersnake666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW lawmen stop making laws about ma story ok! _

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The next day I woke up in a room somewhere. It was sunny and hot again. I opened the window of my room and shot six bullets out just to let people know I was DANGEROUS. My gun was a Galand Revolver with fancy iron engravings that were definitely done in this era. I reloaded my gun and put on my HAT and also took out my fancy pink umbrella. Then I put on yesterday’s dirty shirt (I sleep nekkid!) and made sure my mustache was in perfect shape using my straight razor. It took 3 hours. 

My friend, Sentenza  _ (AN: Angel dis is u!) _ woke up then and grinned at me. He flipped his bald hair and quickly covered it with a dramatic black hat to hide the baldness. He pulled out his Remington 1858 New Army which had two tones and a black cylinder that he stole from the army. He also had a pipe which made dramatic smoke. We planned to do crimes together. 

“OMFG, I saw you talking to Blondie yesterday!” he said excitedly.

“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.

“Do you like Blondie?” she asked as we went out of the random inn and down to the saloon. 

“No I so damn well don’t!” I shouted.

“Yeah right!” he exclaimed. Just then, Blondie walked up to me.

“Hi.” he said.

“Hi.” I replied flirtily.

“Guess what.” he said.

“What?” I asked.

“Well, Ennio-M are having a concert in the desert.” he told me. He didn’t specify which desert. There’s only one in America. 

“Oh. My. Fucking. God!” I screamed. I love EM. They are my favorite band, besides MORRICONE. “Well…. do you want to go with me?” he asked.

I gasped. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many of the guns in GBU are deeply anachronistic, something that will come up repeatedly in the fic :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [My Immortal, Chapter 3](https://myimmortal.fandom.com/wiki/My_Immortal/Chapters_1-11)

_ AN: STOP MAKING LAWS ABOUT DA STORY LAWMEN OK! odderwize thakee 2 da outlaw ppl 4 da good reveiws! THANKEE AGEN ANGEL! oh yeah, BTW I don’t own dis or AWWWWWAWAWA wah wah wah from Ennio-M _

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On the night of the concert I carried my Colt 1860 Army that I stole and I put it around my neck in my pocket. I put on a brown corduroy jacket. I made my mustache VERY noticable. I left my HAT at home. I felt a little angry then, so I went out into America and I shot my gun and annoyed some lawmen. I stared at a newspaper (who reads?) while I hid out while the lawmen ran around on horses and I listened to the cannons from the civil war camp. I stole a rope from a stable definitely for safety and for no reasons to do with Blondie. I drank some water so that I could rub it in Blondie’s face later in the desert. 

I went outside. Blondie was waiting there in front of his horse. He was wearing another blue shirt (i dunno where he gets all of them), these blue pants made of a weird fabric (really have no idea where he got that), and a Colt 1851 Navy with a silver snake on it that actually has a cartridge conversion it shouldn’t  _ (AN: it’s ok that he carries a gun! Tuco would shoot him first!) _ .

“Hi Blondie!” I said in an angry voice.

“Hi Tuco.” he said back. We climbed on his horse (he named it Mule dunno why) and rode to the middle of the desert with no water. On the way theme music played. We both smoked cigarillos together like bros because we are gay. When we got there, we both hopped off the horse which immediately dropped dead due to no water. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and glared at each other shiftily as we listened to Ennio-M.

“AWWWWWAWAWA wah wah wah.” sang the chorus of backup singers, conducted by Ennio  _ (I don’t own da song but it’s stuck in your head now) _ .

“Ennio is so fucking hot.” I said to Blondie, pointing to him as he sung, filling the empty nonspecific definitely american desert with his epic dramatic music.

Suddenly Blondie looked sad.

“What’s wrong?” I asked as we stood very tense and still, hands poised above our guns. Then I caught on.

“Hey, it’s ok I don’t like him better than YOU!” I said.

“Really?” asked Blondie sensitively and stopped holding his hand over his gun and instead gave me his cigarillo. In a bro way which is to say, gay. 

“Really.” I said. “Besides I don’t even know Ennio and he’s writing music for Manco. I fucking hate that little bastard.” I said disgustedly, thinking of his ugly bounty hunter face.

The night went on really well, Blondie collapsed from lack of water. After the concert, I made him drink my foot water and do a death march through the desert. Ennio-M’s music was very dramatic for it! Blondie tried to crawl back to his horse but, instead he ended up in……………………… a random civil war wagon! 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [My Immortal, Ch 4](https://myimmortal.fandom.com/wiki/My_Immortal/Chapters_1-11)

_ AN: I sed stup bitchin ok Tuco’s name is TUCO nut EBONY OR EBONODICTO OK! BLONDIE IS SOO IN LUV wif him dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok! all cowboy bros attempt to kill each other through death marches! _

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“BLONDIE!” I shouted. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?”

Blondie didn’t answer on account of being almost passed out. It was really hot actually. 

“What the fucking hell?” I asked angrily.

“Tuco?” he asked. In a raspy way cause he had no water. 

“What?” I snapped.

I leaned in extra-close and I looked into his dull blue eyes (he was squinting so much I couldn’t see them even) which revealed a very poignant whump and suddenly I didn’t feel so mad anymore. 

And then…………… suddenly just as I was about to kiss him passionately he passed out so I was left to cradle his head in a bro way (gay). Blondie’s weight was on top of me and he was kind of heavy. I was regretting not bringing him water so we could make out and he could put his thingie in my you-know-what and we could do it (not the first time).

“Oh! Oh! Oh! ” I screamed, not having an orgasm, I was yelling because I was upset of my own decision to make Blondie do a death march (even though he made me do one earlier). I was beginning to realize he was going to die maybe when….

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”

It was…………………………………………………….Bill Carson! 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [My Immortal, Ch 5](https://myimmortal.fandom.com/wiki/My_Immortal/Chapters_1-11)

_ AN: STOP making laws about this story! if u mak lawz it menz ur a lawman or a bounty hunter for real (not like Blondie)! Da only reson Bill Carson swor is coz he was dying in the desert ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at Tuco for staring into space thinking about sex! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws! _

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Bill Carson made noises for water and said something about gold in a cemtary. I actually had water that I was hiding so I ran to get it. 

“You ludacris fool!” he shouted though that might have been just the wind, and then he died without telling me the name of the grave.

I started to cry real manly tears on account of TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS being so much money. So much. Blondie was just lying there and then he moved and said he knew the name of the grave (bastard!!! pig!!). When I took him back to my brother’s monestary my brother Pablo was very angry. 

“Haven’t you two been having sexual intercourse?” he yelled in a furious voice.

“Well, not tonight--” I said. 

“Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked a monk, coincidentally named Wallace.

“How dare you?” demanded Pablo.

And then Blondie just sort of moved his head a little as I fed him water from my fingers but I was pretty sure he was saying. “BECAUSE I LOVE HIM!”

The menstery was quiet. Everyone was mad but they left Blondie and I in our room. 

“Are you okay, Blondie?” I asked him gently even though he was still passed out because I wanted him to tell me the name of the grave. 

He didn’t say anything so I went and cleaned my Remington Roll Block Calvary right in front of my brother so he could see I carried a gun even in a mnastery. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [My Immortal, Ch 6](https://myimmortal.fandom.com/wiki/My_Immortal/Chapters_1-11)

_ AN: shjt up lawmen ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows! _

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The next day I woke up in my brother’s monsterary. I cleaned my Howdah .577 and shot it a few times which wasn’t as fun on account of there being no lawmen. I glared at the crosses but my mustache still looked very fine. I stole a new HAT. 

In the inexplicable field outside the monastry in the desert I ate some soup that just happened to be lying around. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the soup spilled over my top.

“Bastard!” I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking at a man carrying an INCREDIBLY anachronistic gun. It was a Beretta 92FS “Sword Cutlass” pistol. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He wasn’t bald or old. He had a bad French accent. He looked exactly like Aiber from Death Note (a reference that is definitely intended for people other than the writer). He wasn’t really that sexy but if Blondie wasn’t around or my hot ex wasn’t available I’d probably fuck him. 

“I’m so sorry.” he said in a shy voice.

“That’s all right. What’s your name?” I questioned.

“My name’s Baker, although most people call me Hustler these days.” he grumbled.

“Why?” I exclaimed.

“Because I lie to people for money.” he giggled.

“Well, I am a hustler.” I confessed.

“Really?” he whimpered.

“Yeah.” I roared.

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Blondie came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [My Immortal, Ch 7](https://myimmortal.fandom.com/wiki/My_Immortal/Chapters_1-11)

_ AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! STO MAKING LAWS OR ILL DO CRIMES ON U! Tuco isn’t a Juan Maria Sue ok he isn’t perfect HES AN OUTLAW! n he has problemz hes wanted by the law 4 godz sake! _

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Blondie and I squinted at each other suspiciously as we went back to the room in the moanestry. I was carrying a small Allen & Thurber Pepperbox which had a curved handle  _ (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Juan Maria Sue 2 u?) _ . I waved to Baker. It was unclear why he was still at the monsry. I guess he was jealous of me that I was banging Blondie and not him. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Blondie. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…………

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically ( _ AN: there is no reason why they shouldn’t have fucked at this moment!!!)  _ . He felt me up before I took of my top. Then we took off each others guns. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy’s thingy in mine and we HAD SEX.  _ (c is dat stupid?) _

“Oh Blondie, Blondie!” I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a note I had never seen before on Blondie’s bedside. I can’t actually read but I could read the words………… Angel Eyes!!!!

I was so angry.

“You bastard!” I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

“No! No! But you don’t understand!” Blondie pleaded. But I knew too much.

“No, you fucking idiot!” I shouted. “You probably are the Bad anyway!”

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Blondie ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Angel Eyes’ civil war camp where he was doing torture to music and also a guy named Wallace was there. 

“ANGEL EYES, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!” I yelled.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [My Immortal, Ch 8](https://myimmortal.fandom.com/wiki/My_Immortal/Chapters_1-11)

_ AN: stop bitchin ok! if u do den u r a lawman! _

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Everyone in the camp stared at me which was a lot of random soldiers and then Blondie came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.

“Tuco, it’s not what you think!” Blondie screamed sadly.

Angel Eyes had a friend B’loody Wallace who stared at me understatedly. He loomed over me with his huge waste and big fists that looked like blood. It turned out the other Wallace looks exactly the same but this is B’loody Wallace, no relation to Monk Wallace. He took me into the office and beat me up for reasons that definitely had to do with me and Blondie’s fight and nothing to do with Angel Eyes wanting $200,000 in gold or having a sadism kink. I spit out my tooth on the floor. 

“What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!” Angel Eyes demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.

“Angel Eyes, I can’t believe you cheated on me with Blondie!” I shouted at him.

Everyone gasped.

(Blondie) I don’t know why Tuco was so mad at me. I had went out with Angel Eyes (I’m gay and so is Tuco) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he slept with Captain Harper, a stupid lawman fucker (tho he did that just so he could become a captain). We were just good friends now. He never had any horrible problems he was just evil and an outlaw cause he liked it. (Haha, like I would hang out with a lawman.)

“But I’m not going out with Blondie anymore!” said Angel Eyes.

“Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!” I screamed. I ran out of the civil war camp and into America where I had lost my virility to Blondie and then I started to bust into tears. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [My Immortal, Ch 9](https://myimmortal.fandom.com/wiki/My_Immortal/Chapters_1-11)
> 
> Captain Harper is the captain who is lying injured in the bed while telling Angel Eyes to stop torturing prisoners in the civil war camp.

_AN: stop making laws ok! I dntn red any books! dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if carson swers! besuizds I SED HE WAS DYING! and da reson wallac dosent lik Tuco now is coz angel eyes likes torture for fun! MORRICONE ROX!_

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I was so mad and sad. I couldn’t believe Blondie for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Blondie. Or maybe it was a different tree. All of America looks the same. 

Then all of a suddenly, an big group of men in grey jackets started riding towards me with lots of dust! It was…… the Confederacy!

“Hurrah for the Confederacy! Hurrah!” I shouted in a bold voice but then the guy in front batted the grey dust off his jackit. Damnit. It was……...the Union!!! And that sonofabitch Captain Harper!!

“Bastard!" I shouted at him. Captain Harper fell of his horse and started to scream on account of having a bad leg injury. 

“Tuco.” he yelled. “Thou must kill Angel Eyes! He hast invaded my camp!”

I thought about Angel Eyes and his sexah eyes and his bald hair and how his face looks just like my ex-bf Angel. I remembered that Blondie had said I didn’t understand, so I thought, what if Blondie went out with Angel Eyes before I went out with him and they broke up?

“No, LAWMAN!” I shouted back.

Captain Harper gave me a stick of wood. I stared at it. Then he gave me a gun which was a Colt Revolving Rifle. Very big and tedious on account of period accuracy.

“No! Please!” I begged. I didn’t want to carry that big of a gun. It wouldn’t even fit around my neck!

“Thou must!” he yelled. “If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Blondie!”

“How did you know?” I asked in a surprised way. Most people assume we’re enemies or bros (not in the gay way). It happens so often. Crazy to be honest. 

Captain Harper got a dude-god-isnt-on-ur-side-cause-he-hates-idiots look on his face. “I hath telekinesis.” he answered cruelly. “And if you doth not kill Angel Eyes, then thou know what will happen to Blondie!” he shouted. Then he rode away on his horse.

I was so scared and mad I didn’t know what to do. Suddenly Blondie came into the woods.

“Blondie!” I said. “Hi!”

“Hi.” he said back but his face was all sad. He was squinting in the sunlight and he seemed to have stolen a HAT (not as good as mine tho). “Are you okay?” I asked.

“No.” he answered.

“I’m sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me.” I expelled.

“That’s okay.” he said all depressed and we went back the civil war camp together making out. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [My Immortal, Ch 10](https://myimmortal.fandom.com/wiki/My_Immortal/Chapters_1-11)

_ AN: stup it u straighties if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out b’loody wallace isn’t a lawman afert al n he n torturer r evil datz y he hangs out with Angel Eyes ok! _

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I was really scared about carrying that stupid gun all day. I was even upset went to jam with my cowboy band SoupTime. I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between Ennio-M, MORRICONE, and the EM Orchestral band. The other people in the band are B’loody Wallace, Angel Eyes, Blondie, Baker (we dont really like him but he has a REALLY good gun where did he get that??) and El Indio. Only today Blondie and Angel Eyes were teamed up so they weren’t coming and were riding around making eyes at each other. I knew Blondie was probably making Angel Eyes do rope stuff (I dont do some things with him on account of me not liking the n-o-o-s-e (there’s no way I’m writing that)) and Angel Eyes was probably getting off on it. I didn’t care. You might think I’m a slut and I kinda am but who cares?

We just sort of making whistling noises and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears.

“Tuco! Are you OK?” B’loody Wallace asked in a concerted voice.

“What the fuck do you think?” I asked angrily. And then I said. “Well, Captain Harper came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Angel Eyes! But I don’t want to kill him, because, he’s really good in bed, even if he did go out with Blondie. But if I don’t kill Angel Eyes, then Captain Harper, will fucking kill Blondie!” I burst into tears. Suddenly Blondie jumped out from behind a wall.

“Why didn’t you fucking tell me!” he shouted. “How could you- you- you idiot bastard!”  _ (c is dat out of character?) _

I started to cry and cry. Blondie started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Pablo walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time he was mad about something catholic. 

“What have you done!” He started to cry wisely.  _ (c dats basically nut swering bcus hes holy and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) _ “Tuco Blondie has been found in the civil war camp. He forsook his vow of hating the war and became a soldier!” 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> actual author's notes: it is around now I sort of start to play fast and loose with the My Immortal template, because well. It DOES go on XD. Also some of the plot points in the original fic are sort of gratuitous and I couldn't figure out a way to work them in. 
> 
> [My Immortal, Ch 11](https://myimmortal.fandom.com/wiki/My_Immortal/Chapters_1-11)

_ AN: i sed stup makin laws lawmen! c if dis chaptr is fr idiots!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus! sp c 4 urself if itz fr idiots brw thankee 2 ma exbf angel 4 hleping me! _

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“NO!” I screamed. I was horrorfied! Pablo chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I ran in a random direction because he has important holy things to do. I got on a train right away to find Blondie. B’loody Wallace tried to beat me up but I threw him off the train becuase he was annoying me. 

Anyway, I swore a whole bunch angrily while stomping through the desert after Blondie. I called him all the mean names I knew, especially  _ pig _ . I prepared my Colt 1860 Army which has a fairly long barrel that I could hit Blondie in the face with when I found him. I was so fucking depressed! The desert was very dusty, and it looked at me sandly. I couldn’t fucking believe it. Then I looked in a random grove and saw about six guys standing there. They seemed very interested in something. I squinted my eyes in the sun to see…Angel Eyes and Blondie fucking!!! (They were doing the thing with the n-o-o-s-e I’m not writing that ok). 

“EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, WHY ARE YOU WATCHING THEM NAKED!” I screamed, then it occurred to me that they might be into that, and I shouldn’t judge. Suddenly Angel Eyes looked up from being fucked in the ass and cocked his gun.

“BANG!” Angel Eyes’ Remington 1858 New Army went off and shot one of the guys. I guess they weren’t into it so I took my gun Colt 1860 Army and shot the randoms men a gazillion times (or six actually, six is the perfect number) and they all started screaming. 

I couldn’t find Blundie and was about to bumble into a civil war camp and sign up for the war just to see him. Civil war camps are hard to see, actually, so I was just sort of wandering around in the general direction of the graveyard.

Anyways I was in the civil war camp suddenly, dunno how that happened it really just appeared around me. Lots of loud canens and yelling and dying. I pulled down my HAT. There were a bunch of soldiers around me, which are really as bad as lawmen. I put up my middle finger at them.

Angel Eyes was in the Civil war camp also. Probably he was stalking Blondie, or me, on account of two hundred thousand dollars in gold. He looked all depressed because Blondie had disappeared and he called Blondie a “golden haired Angel” once which was out of the bro code (super mega ultra gay). 

“Hi.” he said in a gravelly way. 

“Hi back.” I said in an wqually tough way.

“ _ Quod est nice dies _ ,” he said dramticly.

“What the hell does that mean?” I said angrily. I think it might have been Latin which didn’t make sense at all. Only holy people speak latin and Angel Eyes is a Bad man. 

“I don’t know.” he admitdd.

We both looked at each other for some time. Angel had flinty murderous eyes so much like Blondie’s. Then……… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other.

“STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!” shouted Captain Clinton who was drunk and in charge of the civil war camp.

“Angel Eyes you fucker!” I said slapping him. “Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Blondie!” I shouted and then I ran away angrily.

Just then he started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!” and then….. his eyes rolled up! 

“NO!” I ran up closer. I didn’t realize but he did have a scar, I have no idea why, it was a really deep one across his chest, as if he was stabbed dramatically in a moment of passion. “I had a vision of what is happening to Blondie………….Captain Harper has him bondage!”

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_ SPECIAL THANKEE 2 ANGEL MY EX GAY COWBOY LOVER WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111 _

HEY ANGEL DO U KNOW WHERE MY GUN SHEATHI 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [My Immortal, Ch 14](https://myimmortal.fandom.com/wiki/My_Immortal/Chapters_12-22)

_ AN: fuk off LAWMEN ok! Angel thnkee 4 helpin agen. im sory ah kudnt update but I wuz almost in jail because of doing crimes. PS im nut updating til u giv me 10 god revoiws! _

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_ WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY.  _ _ VIOWER EXCRETION _ _ ADVISD. _

We ran to where Captain Harper was. It turned out that Captain Harper wasn’t there. Instead the other captain who was not happy about the bridge was. Blondie was there doing nothing except looking stoic, as usual. Captain Clinton was guilt tripping him into minor acts of goodness, leading to his label as ‘The good’. Angel Eyes and I ran in front of Clinton.

“Rid my sight you despicable criminals!” Captain Clinton shouted as we started shooting him with the  gun he got from the war. Then suddenly he looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes. “Tucowilyoubemypartnerincrime.” he said.  _ (in dis he was conscripted so hes not a real lawman ok) _

“Huh?” I asked. 

”Tuco I love you will you be my partner in crime?” asked Captain Clinton. I started laughing crudely. “What the fuck? You kidnap my partner and then you expect me to fuck you? God, you are so fucked up you fucking bastard.” I said angrily. Then he went to war and came back all bloody and shit. 

“Nooooooooooooo!” he screamed. He started screaming and running around. A nearby blonde doctor named Arcade yelled at him to stop. Then he fell down and died. I brust into tears sadly.

“Clinton what art thou doing?” called Captain Harper. Then…… he started coming! We could hear his stupid lawman canons going off. 

So we stole some horses and blew up a bridge together and ran off. We camped in a field. Angel Eyes went away, probably because they found out he wasn’t a real civil war captain. There I started crying.

“What’s wrong honey?” asked Blondie taking off his clothes so we could screw. He had a really huge you-know-what and everything.

“Its so unfair!” I yielded. “Why can’t I just have lots of money and not need to partner with anyone and just know where the gold is?”

Blondie didn’t say anything, because he is like that. 

“Yeah but you know the name of the grave! Angel Eyes likes me and now even Captain Clinton wants to partner with me! I just wanna have a bunch of gold okay! And maybe also fuck you a whole bunch! Santa Maria! Why couldn’t I be richer!?” I shouted angrily. (an” don’t wory Tuco isn’t a rich man or anyfing but a lot of ppl wanna be his partner) “Im good at too many things! WHY CAN’T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT’S A FUCKING CURSE!” I shouted and then I ran away. 


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [ My Immortal, Ch 15 ](https://myimmortal.fandom.com/wiki/My_Immortal/Chapters_12-22)

_ AN: stup bitchin ok! btw u suk frum no on evry tim sum1 makes laws me im gona shoot a building!  _

**XXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

“Tuco! Tuco!” shouted Blondie angrily. That might have been cause I was running towards the graveyard where the gold is without him. He shot a canonn at me.

“Whatever! Now u can go anh have sex with Angel Eyes!” I shouted. I ran through the forest and expected Blondie to run after me. He didn’t though, and I was in the free and clear for the gold. It was like he had stopped to trade his coat to a dying soldier. I ran through the graves like crazy. 

I took out a Spencer Model 1860 Rifle which was Blondie’s that I stole. I checked that my stubble wasn’t overpowering my extremely sexy mustache. I tilted my HAT udner the desert sun. The music was starting to hum and the green was starting to shift almost like a poncho. Suddenly my weird gold-induced haze turned to...Blondie!

“Tuco you’re a bastard!” he shouted sadly. “I dnot care what those fucker lawmen fink. Ur da best bro (gay) partner in the world. Before I met you I used to want to kill you all the time. Now I just wanna fucking be with you and have a lot of gold. I fucking love you!.” 

Then……………. he started to sing “Da Ecstasy of Goald” (we considered it our song now cuz we fell in love when Ennio was singing it) right in front of the entire class! His singing voice was gravelly and somehow sounded like an entire orchestra _ (AN: if u cnot do an orchestra w ur vice get da fuk out od hr!) _ .

“OMFG.” I said after he was finished. Some fucking soldier lawmen stared at us but I just stuck up my middle fingers (which were holding a gun and also holding Blondie’s hand at the same time) at them. “I love you!” I said and then we started to kiss just like bros (gay). Then we went away holding hands. Captain Clinton shouted at us but he stopped cuz everyone was clapping by how sexy we looked 2gether. Then I saw a grave saying that there would be a Mexican Standoff in the graveyard right then. We looked at each other all shocked and then we went 2gether. 


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ My Immortal, Ch 16](https://myimmortal.fandom.com/wiki/My_Immortal/Chapters_12-22)
> 
> At this point the author has had a falling out with their beta...I thought it would be a fun note to leave on, considering the way GBU canon goes :)

_ AN: u no wut! sut up ok! proov 2 me ur nut lawmen! angel u suk u sun of a thouzand bastards gimme bak mah fukijn sheath ur supsd 2 rit dis! Angel wtf u bich ur suposd to dodis! BTW thankee 2 sanjuro5656 4 techin muh japanese! _

Sanjuro was there. “Hajimemashite dude.” he said happily  _ (he spex Japanese so do i. dat menz ‘how do u do’ in japanese. Cowboys are samurai okay??) _ . “BTW Sentenza that fucking lawman got killed. He joined the civil war and then got a cennon in the face.”  _ (an: ANGEL U FUKIN SUK! FUK U!) _

“It serves that fuking son of a thousand bastards right.” I laughed angrily.

Well anyway back to the actual plot. Angel Eyes showed up at the graveyard ( _ AN: ANGEL I’LL KILL YOU AGAIN!!!) _ . He and Blondie were flexing their guns at eachother

“Angel Eyes, Blondie WTF?” I asked.

“You fucking bustard!” yelled Blondie at Angel Eyes. “I want to shit next to him!1”

“No I do!” shouted.

“No he doesn’t fucking like u, you son of a bitch!” yelled Blondie.

“No fuck you motherfucker he laves me not you!” shouted Angel Eyes. And then……………… he jumped on Blondie! (no not in dat way u perv. This time...) They started to fight and beat up each other. Over me!

Then the three of us stepped away dramatically and did our Mexican Standoff just like Ennio-M would have wanted. Angel Eyes was shot by blodnie ( _AN:_ _SEE HOW U LIK DAT ANGEL)_ and even tho Tuco didn’t even have any bullets Blondie didn’t shot him CUZ HE LOVES HIM. 


	15. I am a trolling genius, lolz

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ My Immortal, Chapter 39](https://myimmortal.fandom.com/wiki/My_Immortal/Chapters_34-44). The original author of the fic My Immortal had their account hacked and one of their later chapters replaced >:3

_Disclaimer: I do not own the Dollars Trilogy and I am not the real XXXtwohundredthousandXXX._

_AN// I am an extremely immature cowboy, I know. Out of boredom, I stole this idiot’s notes for fun (and it took less than 8 minutes to do it too) and will probably get in a firefight. Which I probably deserve 'cause I'm being a shithead right now. Meh._

_And I present to you MY crappy part in this story. (And take note I haven't even parodied this fic properly cause it’s too damn long and incoherent.) Make laws, laugh, do whatever you want "lawmen."_

*****

I, the definitely Mexican twelve-gun carrying Juan Maria Sue, coughed up blood. I was wearing a noose. 

Blondie stared up at me. He gave me a rueful smile, "I'm sorry. It's something I had to do, to fufill my duty as the ‘good’. Stringing up my partner for a lynching. Definitely the actions of a person who is Good."

I sobbed. "I love you Blondie."

"I love you too. I'll...I'll see you in hell." Blondie mumbled, already riding off on the horse. 

Monk Wallace suddenly popped into the graveyard for no apparent reason. He frowned when he realized the graveyard was oddly quiet, but at the sight of Tuco’s lifeless body, he screamed. His face became pale with horror. He screamed for Pablo, for the Catholic Church, for the Pope himself. 

Suddenly, a glow started to surround the body of Tuco. Everyone stared in shock, even Blondie, who had planned to shoot him down anyways. His body started to lift ever so slowly and then, to everyone's shock, it started to incinerate.

When everyone realized what was happening, they rushed over to try to rescue the body, but it was too late, the Juan Maria Sue became nothing more than a pile of ashes.

A loud resounding of everyone bellowing "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...!!" filled the room.

A flash of white light from the ashes then started to bounce around the graveyard. Everyone cowered in fear and were temporarily blinded. When it was all over, things changed.

Tuco’s body fell to the ground and crashed amidst the gold coins. He had lived! And he still had the gold. 

When he got over the shock of becoming free of the fic parody’s power, he cheered. Everyone started singing 'Ding dong the sue is dead...' Well, that is, until all the GBU characters realized the true implications of becoming more canon like again.

And, because the replacement author also likes to screw around with canon, Tuco and Blondie fled the scene together and had a threesome with Angel Eyes. 

/End Crap Fic.


End file.
